My Dirty Laundry

I used think the world would be better off without me. I’d avoid going to social events because I had this obscure belief that my presence would somehow downgrade the party.

I used to wish I was never born. When I was about nine or ten years old, I’d sit in my room after coming home from a day of being teased and picked on (the term “bullied” wasn’t widely used back then) at school, and I’d think about what it would be like to cease to exist. I never considered suicide as a serious option, but I would wish and even pray that God would somehow magically erase my existence. 

I used to think life is nothing but broken dreams and thought of the ability to dream as a cruel joke God plays on mankind. Then I decided maybe that didn’t apply to all mankind, just the stupid ones. Like me.

I used to hate myself. 

I’d remind myself that I hated myself over and over in my head, sometimes whispering it aloud when no one was around. 

Sometimes I still do.

The reason I’m even writing this, the reason I’m “airing my dirty laundry” on the World Wide Web, is because I wonder if maybe I’m not alone.

I wonder if maybe there’s someone else out there who feels the same way.

Someone else who needs to know he or she is not alone.

Someone else who could benefit from the things I’ve learned that have helped me.

And I wonder if there’s anyone out there who needs to know I’m not perfect either. Sometimes I feel like people expect me to be or think I am. That bugs me a lot, because it’s simply not true.

I’m not there yet. 

I still struggle. 

But God, in his grace, is helping me through, and he’d love to do the same for you (as would I).

At the risk of sounding a bit more “preachy” than normal, here are a few realizations I’ve had that have helped me in the past, continue to help me and may help you if you ever feel the same way:

1. You were created for a purpose. 

No matter what anyone else may say, you are not a mistake. 

I recently saw the movie “Hugo” and my favorite part was when Hugo, the main character, brought his friend Isabelle to his spot at the top of a clock tower overlooking the city. 

As they sat there taking it all in, he told her, “Right after my father died, I would come up here a lot. I'd imagine the whole world was one big machine. Machines never come with any extra parts, you know. They always come with the exact amount they need. So I figured if the entire world was one big machine, I couldn't be an extra part. I had to be here for some reason. And that means you have to be here for some reason too.”

I love that quote because at first it sounded like a “feel good” movie quote that would be great if it were true, but then after processing it for a few seconds, I realized it is true. God is the clockmaker of the universe and he made everything and everyone, including me. And He does not make any mistakes or extra parts.

2. That purpose is love. 

When asked what the greatest commandment is, Jesus replied, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind. And love your neighbor as yourself.” (See Matthew 22: 34-40)

I always thought I knew what Jesus meant by that, and I always thought I did a pretty good job at practicing it. Then one day a question hit me: How can you love your neighbor as yourself if you first don’t learn to love yourself?

Donald Miller, in his book “Blue Like Jazz,” writes of a similar revelation: 

“I am certain it was the voice of God because it was accompanied by such a strong epiphany like a movement in a symphony or something. The sentiment was simple: Love your neighbor as yourself.

“And I thought about that for a second and wondered why God would put that phrase so strongly in my mind...He was saying I would never talk to my neighbor the way I talked to myself, and that somehow I had come to believe it was wrong to kick other people around but it was okay to do it to myself. It was as if God had put me in a plane and flown me over myself so I could see how I was connected, all the neighborhoods that were falling apart because I would not let myself receive love from myself, from others, or from God. And I wouldn’t receive love because it felt so wrong. It didn’t feel humble, and I knew I was supposed to be humble. But that was all crap, and it didn’t make sense. If it is wrong for me to receive love, then it is also wrong for me to give it because by giving it I am causing someone else to receive it, which I had presupposed was the wrong thing to do.”

3. God loves you.

Perhaps the most profound of my “revelations,” if you will, is also the most simple: 

God loves me. 

God loves me so much He died a horrible death on the cross for of me, and forgave me. (See John 3:16-17) I think part of the reason I find it so easy to hate myself is that I find it so hard to forgive myself. 

If you’ve ever felt the same way, think about that for a bit.

God forgives you and God loves you, yet you can’t forgive and love yourself? Is your judgment higher than God’s? 

Jesus said as He died for you on the cross, “It is finished.”

Now trust Him and leave it there.

I know it’s not as easy as it sounds. Believe me, I know. But with God’s help, it is not impossible.

4. God has a plan for you.

This goes along with my first point that God created you for a purpose. A verse I have found helpful, as it talks a little more specifically about that purpose is:

“’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” (See Jeremiah 29—I recommend reading the whole passage and thinking about how the context can apply to your own life.)

5. It’s not about you.

The last of my points is possibly the hardest one for me to grasp. I think sometimes what may seem like simply a low self-esteem problem can actually be a pride issue. 

Not following? Reread the first five paragraphs of this post. What word does each one start with?

“I.”

Francis Chan, one of my favorite authors/speakers once preached a single sermon that was a whirlwind summary of the entire Bible. His point, in the end, was that although the Bible is filled with many short stories that have what we consider main characters, none of them are actually the main characters. The story isn’t about them, it’s about God. 

The Bible, both as a whole and as a collection of individual stories, is ultimately about God and His story.

My life and your life are no different. Our stories are not about us, they are a part of God’s bigger story. 

Living for yourself just leaves you worn out and unsatisfied. I’ve tried it, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s really not about me. 

And to me at least, that is a huge relief.

Book Review: "Hipster Christianity" by Brett McCracken

 In Hipster Christianity: When Church and Cool Collide, Brett McCracken, a twenty-something self-proclaimed Christian hipster, explores the age old concept of “cool” and the evolution of today’s “hipster” label and how they relate—or don’t relate—to Christianity.

The book itself is an irony because the concept of “hip” is not something frequently discussed, especially among hipsters (as McCracken frequently points out). But, he assures in the introduction, “It’s not a joke, and though it is humorous at times and occasionally ironic, it is by no means an exercise in sarcasm.”

 

Summary

The book is divided into three parts. The first is titled “The History and Collision of Cool and Christianity,” and deals largely with the meanings of the words “cool” and “hip”, providing background for the rest of the work.

The second part, “Hipster Christianity,” focuses on defining “Christian hipsters” and the “hipster churches” of today. It goes beyond the surface of the sub-culture, and touches on the ideals and values behind it.

In the final part, “Three Problems and Solutions,” McCracken finally arrives at the main discussion of the book. First he takes the stand that cool and Christianity do not meld, then he explains how they can, giving examples of how hipster Christianity does work.

Negatives

•  The first two parts are long and drawn out, and McCracken seems to be saying some of the same things over and over again. While all that background, the definitions, explanations and history are important and necessary for the discussion, they could have been condensed. He doesn’t get to the main point of the book until two thirds of the way through.

• In places, it’s wordy and poorly edited. He uses a lot of big uncommon words that aren’t a part of the average person’s vocabulary. A good portion of the content could have been written using a lot less words, and many of the fancier words could have been replaced with simpler ones that mean the same thing.  

•  Many portions of the text in part three seem unorganized and full of ramblings, while not pushing deep enough into the topic. It starts to read like a research paper for English class, going a little too heavy on the quotes and references to other works.

Positives

• The book is well researched and thought out. McCracken does not simply give his own opinion. He writes about visiting different hipster churches worldwide in preparation for the book, quotes a large number of expert and relevant sources on the topic and references a good amount of Scripture in appropriate contexts. 

•  It’s non-bias and well-balanced. It’s not an advertisement for Christian hipsterdom, nor is it a condemnation of the church. Rather, it is an honest search for the truth and a well-balanced evaluation of the topic and question at hand: whether or not Christianity can, or should, be cool. 

• He writes in the beginning that he is not out to bash or criticize the church, and he does well in keeping this promise. He points out not only what Christians are doing wrong, but also what they are doing right and how they can do better.

Good Quotes

“Cool and Christianity clash on a myriad of points. In fact, they share very few attributes in common. No wonder ‘cool Christianity’ frequently becomes so awkward and ugly! It’s like mixing oil and water.” (Chapter 11: “What’s So Wrong With Cool?”)

“I’m convinced that most secular seekers today care very little about how cool church is, but very much about how authentic it is. They are interested in the church being the church. They want the church to know what it is and be honest with itself and the world, and to quit putting on airs of glossy marketability and perfection. People see through that.” (Chapter 13: “Reversing the Ripple Effect”)

“Christianity’s appeal comes not from culture but from within—and the minute we start looking outside our own identity for affirmation about our relative relevance, we immediately begin to lose our cool.” (Chapter 14: “Relevance Is Not A Fad”)

Conclusion

The question is an important one in today’s culture, and one that Christians, cool and uncool alike, need to address.  Overall, this book does a good job at explaining Christian hipsterdom and the controversies surrounding this sub-culture. 

To learn more about Hipster Christianity: When Church and Cool Collide, or to take a 30 question “Are You A Christian Hipster” quiz to determine your “CHQ (Christian Hipster Quotient)”, visit hipsterchristianity.com. 

(In case anyone’s wondering, yes, I took the quiz, and yes, I failed. Miserably.)

Driving into the New Year: “Oops, was that a stop sign?”

New Year’s resolutions are like rules: they’re here to break. Right?

Last year I made two New Year’s resolutions: First, to become a better driver, and second, to give up soda for a year. I was especially determined to keep the first.

Then I ran a stop sign.

At about 12:45 a.m., January 1.

The second lasted much longer, and was going great until after about three months, when someone offered me a free can of Coke and I caved in.

After that, I decided there will be no more New Year’s resolutions for me. We’re not supposed to make promises we know we can’t keep, right? And who really expects to keep their New Year’s resolutions, anyway?

But as 2012 approaches, I find myself once again considering my part in this infamous yearly goal setting routine.

Yes, I really should know better by now.

Believe it or not, there is one goal I set and achieve each year. I don’t like to call it a New Year’s resolution, but I guess technically that’s what it is. 

Each year I resolve to end that year in a deeper, closer and more genuine relationship with God than the year before. Then I set smaller goals working toward that larger goal, sometimes following through with them, but often failing.

And that’s alright.

The purpose of these goals isn’t to be perfect. That would be impossible. Rather, it is to maintain focus on the larger goal. Humans fail. I am human, therefore I fail. But the key to reaching the goal, even after failure, is to move on.

Failure is not the end, but it can be if it shifts our focus off the goal and onto itself.

Paul and Timothy summed it up, “Forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:13b-14 ESV)

I don’t think there’s such thing as a fast and easy strategy for making and keeping our New Year’s resolutions—or any goal for that matter. The parts in this verse about “straining forward” and “pressing on” suggest a need for endurance. 

I do, however, have two ideas I think will help us with the process:

Set the right goals.

First, I think we need to put more thought into what goals we are setting. 

One common New Year’s resolution among Christians is to spend time every day of the year reading the Bible and talking to God. While at first glance this seems like a great goal, I think it misses the bigger picture, and we can do better. 

The purpose of reading the Bible and talking to God is to grow closer to Him. That should be the ultimate goal and intentional focus. But when the goal is simply to read the Bible and pray every day of the year, it can be easy to focus more on achieving the goal than on the purpose of that goal. And, if just once we don’t carry it out, we’ve already failed, so what reason do we have to press on?

If we set an ultimate goal to grow closer to God, however, and make smaller goals that work toward that end—such as reading the Bible and praying every day, getting involved in a small group or Bible study and getting rid of specific sin issues in our lives—I think we will have more success.

Stay focused, even when you fail.

Of course, there will be times when we allow the busyness of our lives to get in the way of our relationships with God and with our brothers and sisters in Christ. Some days resisting temptation will be harder than others, and we will cave in to sin. Once-in-a-while we are going to run a stop sign.

When we do, we need to stay focused on the ultimate goal, which we’ll never reach by dwelling on our past failures, but by keeping our eyes on the future prize.

The Story That Will Never Be Written

Imagine a library bigger than any you have ever seen, bigger than the Library of Congress. It is filled with so many books no one has ever tried to count them. But it doesn’t matter how many books are in this library because people don’t go there much, and it is usually empty. Every once-in-a-while someone will stumble through the doors by accident, not quite sure how they got there, and stay only long enough to take one book off the shelf, flip through its pages, and return it to its place.  No one has ever read any of the books from these shelves, but even if someone were to try, it would be impossible.

Every page in every book in this library is blank.

Such a place exists. Figuratively, but it exists. I know this, because I’ve been there. In fact, I was there today.

The last thing I remember before suddenly finding myself in the library, I was sitting on my bed looking through a photo album. I had paused at a photo of my late Great Aunt Lettie and was trying to remember what was going on in the captured scene.

In the photo, we are sitting around a table at another relative’s house in New Jersey, and Aunt Lettie is entertaining everyone with one of my brother Eddie’s puppets. 

I remember we were all laughing so hard our sides hurt and some of us had tears in our eyes.

Eddie loves puppets and is always doing skits with them, so when Aunt Lettie started fooling around with the puppet that day, some of us started encouraging her to write a skit for him to practice with his puppets at home. She loved the idea, and promised to work on it and send it to him in the mail. Almost every time we saw her or talked to her after that, she would mention the puppet skit, and say she would be sending it soon.

It never came.

She died before she could write it.

I hadn’t thought about that day or the puppet skit in a long time until I looked at that photo. And that was then when I looked up to find myself in the library.

When I arrived, I saw a book on the shelf in front of me that seemed to stick out just a little further than the others, which were lined up perfectly even with each other. It seemed to be calling out for me to pick it up, but somehow I couldn’t. I don’t know how, but I knew, like in a dream, that this book was Aunt Lettie’s puppet skit.

I selected a different book from a nearby shelf and began flipping through its blank pages, but immediately wished I hadn’t. Just like I’d known the identity of the other one without touching it, I knew this one the second I opened it. I thought of Tom O’Hara, a man who used to live down the street from us.

“Mr. O.,” as I called him, was an extremely talented yet unknown photographer, and would capture the image of a flower as small as my fingertip and then have it printed the largest poster size available. He also took beautiful pictures of the many old barns around the area where I live.

On several occasions, he offered to show me how to use his camera and teach me about photography. I always said yes, I’d love that, and I think we made plans a few times to start, but we never got around to it. I kept saying I’d come over one day soon, but was always busy with other things, so it would get put off again.

He died a couple years ago, and now that will never happen.

I knew as I flipped through the pages of the book that this was its story.

Again, although figurative, this library exists, and every book on its shelves is a story that was intended to be written, but never was and never will be.

The purpose of the library, however, is not for its guests to be reminded of and have them dwell on their unwritten stories that will never be, but to encourage them to take note of their unwritten stories that still can be, and finish them.

Just as everyone has past regrets, everyone has potential future regrets and unwritten stories that threaten to end up in the library with the others.

What are yours?

Restless

How do you tell a restless spirit to be still?

It isn’t easy, that’s for sure. Especially with all of the distractions that can compete for one’s attention in today’s technology-centered world: text messages, Facebook notifications, tweets, advertisements, animated billboards, smart phone apps, iPods, iPads, YouTube, The list goes on and on.

It can be so easy to lose focus.  Lately I wonder, however, if I even have a focus to lose in the first place.

See, I’ve been restless. Really restless. And I don’t know why. Part of me will want to just be still and breathe, while the other part of me won’t shut down, always looking for something else to do and somewhere else to go, devouring the distractions like a hungry dog emptying its food dish. 

When I’m busy or stressed, I long for stillness, silence, and room to just breathe, but when the opportunity comes, it drives me mad and I once again, against my own will, seek the distractions. 

I was thinking about all this the other day and wondering why it is so and what it would be like to fully embrace and carry out God’s command in Psalm 46 to, “Be still and know that I am God.” It sounds so easy, so simple, if you think of it in physical terms. But, again, how do you get a restless spirit to be still?

I sometimes envy the simplicity that encompasses a Buddhist’s lifestyle. If I wasn’t a Christian, I think I could easily embrace Buddhism.

G.R. Lewis, developer of a Buddhist website, buddhistfaith.tripod.com, explains the idea of a simple lifestyle: 

“Simplicity of life impels us to want or possess fewer things, appreciating more of what we have and using what we possess in the service of others. When we have fewer distractions in our lives then we can concentrate more in our inner realm and truly live the Buddha Dharma and manifest the nembutsu. At its core, simplicity is the living practice of reality as it is.”

I looked around my room after reading this and tried to imagine what it would be like to own less things, less distractions. I considered my various possessions and whether or not I could get along without each of them. I concluded that most of the stuff in my room is just that: stuff. And none of it is actually stuff that I need.  

I recently went on a road trip with some friends to the Jersey shore and we stayed with a family down there who none of us had ever met, but we were connected with through some mutual friends. They were very welcoming and hospitable, and even though they live in a very small home, they shared with us what little space they have, the two girls squeezing into their parents room so that we could stay in theirs. 

Looking around their small home, I noticed that there wasn’t any clutter. They didn’t have much stuff, and they seemed happy. The father said that when they moved into the tiny house, which had been converted from an old chicken slaughter house, they came from a three-story house and had to store most of their belongings in a trailer out front. He said that they quickly learned how much they really didn’t need and could do without.

I think this is one of the secrets to obtaining peace and happiness: learning to do without and genuinely appreciating what you do  have. Always wanting more and filling one’s time and space with more things and pointless activities just makes a person more restless.

Of course, sometimes we can’t control our environments, and what goes on around us. No matter how hard we try to escape, the distractions will always be there. That’s life. It’s not always easy. However, it’s not always impossible either. 

The account of when Jesus calmed the storm comes to mind, and I wonder if the same God who stilled the waves could still my soul as well. Of course he can. I just need to let him. 

What about you? Do you ever feel restless and unable to just be still, knowing that He is God? Or am I the only one?  Maybe if we were to let God calm our hearts the way He did the storm, we would find the peace that we long for.

The Storm

(A poem I wrote a couple years ago)

I can just feel the waves all around me
Tossing the boat up and down
And I can see Him sleeping in the corner
Unaware that we’re about to drown
And I can hear myself yell

Where are You now
In the middle of the storm
Where are You now
When I need you the most
Why do You sleep
Don’t You even care

I can just see Him stand and look at me
With eyes that see in my soul
And I can hear Him rebuke the wind and waves
As the storm turns to a quiet calm
And I hear Him say to me

Where’s your faith now
In the middle of the storm
Where’s your faith now
When you need it the most
Why do you fear
Don’t you know I’m here

And I know He’s here
In the middle of the storm

Meet Jazz.

Meet Jazz, my guitar. I named it “Jazz” because it is blue like jazz, and “Blue Like Jazz” by Donald Miller is one of my favorite books ever. If you tell me that’s too corny, I’ll just blame it on my friend Katy, who came up with the idea in the first place.

Miller explains the title in an author’s note at the beginning of the book. He writes, “I never liked jazz music because Jazz music doesn’t resolve.” Then he tells about watching a man play the saxophone for fifteen minutes without opening his eyes and how after that, he liked jazz music. “Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself,” he writes. “It is as if they are showing you the way. I used to not like God because God didn’t resolve. But that was before any of this happened.”

It’d be hard to sum up what Miller means by “any of this” because the book is full of mini stories and essays about a variety of things. The first time I read it (I’ve read it a few times now) I put it down at the end and said, “Wow. That was a really good book. But I have no idea what it was about.” 

I think the book’s subtitle describes it best: “Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality.” 

I don’t want to give too much away, because if you haven’t read it, I hope that you will. I would like to share with you, however, two things about what the book means to me. 

First, “Blue Like Jazz” is a book that brings people together. I lost count of how many times I’d be sitting somewhere in public (a coffee shop, work, school…) reading it and someone would walk by or glance in my direction and say something like, “Hey! Good book!” or “Blue Like Jazz! I love that book!” and even if we didn’t know each other, a conversation would start from there. 

One of these instances occurred this past year during the beginning of my first semester at college. I was reading in the lobby area at school when a professor walked by, saw the book, and exclaimed, “Blue Like Jazz!” Although it may seem like a small thing, to me it was cool to find that connection during a time when I was still somewhat apprehensive about being back in school and trying to get used to the new environment.

The second thing about this book is that each time I read it, it makes me think. A lot. Even though I’m not sure I agree with everything in it, I have to resist the urge to go crazy with the highlighter on every page because so much of it stands out to me. Here are just a few quotes from what I did highlight:

“And that’s the tricky thing about life, really, that the things we want most will kill us.” (page 77)

“Andrew would say that dying for something is easy because it is associated with glory. Living for something, Andrew would say, is the hard thing. Living for something extends beyond fashion, glory, or recognition. We live for what we believe, Andrew would say.” (page 111)

“If loving other people is a bit of heaven then certainly isolation is a bit of hell, and to that degree, here on earth, we decide which state we would like to live.” (page 173)

“There is no addiction so powerful as self-addiction.” (page 182)

Some of the chapter names make me laugh. Chapter five, for example, is titled, “Faith: Penguin Sex,” chapter six is, “Redemption: The Sexy Carrots,” chapter twelve is, “Church: How I Go Without Getting Angry,” and chapter 15 is, “Community: Living with Freaks.”

Seriously, if you haven’t yet read the book, read it, even if you’re not into Christianity or religion. What have you got to lose?

And if you’re one of those people who can’t stand to read, but prefers to just watch the movie instead, you’re in luck because this fall, “Blue Like Jazz: The Movie” is expected to be released in theaters. 

The story of the movie itself is almost as inspiring as the story it tells. Just like the book, “Blue Like Jazz: The Movie” brings people together. And I can say this even before I’ve seen it, because it has already brought a whole community of people together—4,495, to be exact (of which I am one). You can read all about that at www.savebluelikejazz.com. 

I just watched the teaser trailer, and in case you can’t already tell, I am very excited about the movie. Of course, I don’t expect it to be just like the book. After all, how do you take a non-fiction book that is a series of essays, and turn them into a story with a plot and a climax without changing and adding some things? 

But I do expect it to be amazing.

At least, I hope it will be, because otherwise, I’ll have to re-name my guitar, and it took me three years to find this name!

You can also see another preview of the movie at: http://isthisgonnagetweird.tumblr.com/ The password is "yeah probably" with the space. Check it out!