I used think the world would be better off without me. I’d
avoid going to social events because I had this obscure belief that my presence
would somehow downgrade the party.
I used to wish I was never born. When I was about nine or
ten years old, I’d sit in my room after coming home from a day of being teased
and picked on (the term “bullied” wasn’t widely used back then) at school, and
I’d think about what it would be like to cease to exist. I never considered
suicide as a serious option, but I would wish and even pray that God would
somehow magically erase my existence.
I used to think life is nothing but broken dreams and
thought of the ability to dream as a cruel joke God plays on mankind. Then I
decided maybe that didn’t apply to all
mankind, just the stupid ones. Like me.
I used to hate myself.
I’d remind myself that I hated myself over and over in my head,
sometimes whispering it aloud when no one was around.
Sometimes I still do.
The reason I’m even writing this, the reason I’m “airing my
dirty laundry” on the World Wide Web, is because I wonder if maybe I’m not
alone.
I wonder if maybe there’s someone else out there who feels
the same way.
Someone else who needs to know he or she is not alone.
Someone else who could benefit from the things I’ve learned
that have helped me.
And I wonder if there’s anyone out there who needs to know I’m
not perfect either. Sometimes I feel like people expect me to be or think I am.
That bugs me a lot, because it’s simply not true.
I’m not there yet.
I still struggle.
But God, in his grace, is helping me through, and he’d love
to do the same for you (as would I).
At the risk of sounding a bit more “preachy” than normal,
here are a few realizations I’ve had that have helped me in the past, continue
to help me and may help you if you ever feel the same way:
1. You were created
for a purpose.
No matter what anyone else may say, you are not a mistake.
I recently saw the movie “Hugo” and my favorite part was when
Hugo, the main character, brought his friend Isabelle to his spot at the top of
a clock tower overlooking the city.
As they sat there taking it all in, he told her, “Right after my father died, I would come up here a lot. I'd imagine
the whole world was one big machine. Machines never come with any extra parts,
you know. They always come with the exact amount they need. So I figured if the
entire world was one big machine, I couldn't be an extra part. I had to be here
for some reason. And that means you have to be here for some reason too.”
I love that quote because at first it sounded
like a “feel good” movie quote that would be great if it were true, but then
after processing it for a few seconds, I realized it is true. God is the clockmaker of the universe and he made everything and everyone, including me. And He does not make any mistakes or extra
parts.
2. That
purpose is love.
When asked what the greatest commandment is,
Jesus replied, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind. And love
your neighbor as yourself.” (See Matthew 22: 34-40)
I always thought I knew what Jesus meant by
that, and I always thought I did a pretty good job at practicing it. Then one
day a question hit me: How can you love your neighbor as yourself if you
first don’t learn to love yourself?
Donald Miller, in his book “Blue Like Jazz,”
writes of a similar revelation:
“I am certain it was the voice of God
because it was accompanied by such a strong epiphany like a movement in a
symphony or something. The sentiment was simple: Love your neighbor as yourself.
“And I thought about that for a second and
wondered why God would put that phrase so strongly in my mind...He was saying I
would never talk to my neighbor the way I talked to myself, and that somehow I
had come to believe it was wrong to kick other people around but it was okay to
do it to myself. It was as if God had put me in a plane and flown me over
myself so I could see how I was connected, all the neighborhoods that were
falling apart because I would not let myself receive love from myself, from
others, or from God. And I wouldn’t receive love because it felt so wrong. It
didn’t feel humble, and I knew I was supposed to be humble. But that was all
crap, and it didn’t make sense. If it is wrong for me to receive love, then it
is also wrong for me to give it because by giving it I am causing someone else
to receive it, which I had presupposed was the wrong thing to do.”
3. God
loves you.
Perhaps the most profound of my “revelations,”
if you will, is also the most simple:
God loves me.
God loves me so much He died a horrible
death on the cross for of me, and forgave
me. (See John 3:16-17) I think part of the reason I find it so easy to hate
myself is that I find it so hard to forgive myself.
If you’ve ever felt the same way, think
about that for a bit.
God forgives you and God loves you, yet you
can’t forgive and love yourself? Is your judgment higher than God’s?
Jesus said as He died for you on the cross,
“It is finished.”
Now trust Him and leave it there.
I know it’s not as easy as it sounds.
Believe me, I know. But with God’s help, it is not impossible.
4. God
has a plan for you.
This goes along with my first point that
God created you for a purpose. A verse I have found helpful, as it talks a
little more specifically about that purpose is:
“’For I know the plans I have for you,’
declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you
hope and a future.’” (See Jeremiah 29—I recommend reading the whole passage and
thinking about how the context can apply to your own life.)
5. It’s
not about you.
The last of my points is possibly the hardest one for me to
grasp. I think sometimes what may seem like simply a low self-esteem problem can
actually be a pride issue.
Not following? Reread the first five paragraphs of this
post. What word does each one start with?
“I.”
Francis Chan, one of my favorite authors/speakers once
preached a single sermon that was a whirlwind summary of the entire Bible. His
point, in the end, was that although the Bible is filled with many short
stories that have what we consider main characters, none of them are actually
the main characters. The story isn’t about them, it’s about God.
The Bible, both as a whole and as a collection of individual
stories, is ultimately about God and His story.
My life and your life are no different. Our stories are not
about us, they are a part of God’s bigger story.
Living for yourself just leaves you worn out and
unsatisfied. I’ve tried it, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s really
not about me.
And to me at least, that is a huge relief.
