My Dirty Laundry

I used think the world would be better off without me. I’d avoid going to social events because I had this obscure belief that my presence would somehow downgrade the party.

I used to wish I was never born. When I was about nine or ten years old, I’d sit in my room after coming home from a day of being teased and picked on (the term “bullied” wasn’t widely used back then) at school, and I’d think about what it would be like to cease to exist. I never considered suicide as a serious option, but I would wish and even pray that God would somehow magically erase my existence. 

I used to think life is nothing but broken dreams and thought of the ability to dream as a cruel joke God plays on mankind. Then I decided maybe that didn’t apply to all mankind, just the stupid ones. Like me.

I used to hate myself. 

I’d remind myself that I hated myself over and over in my head, sometimes whispering it aloud when no one was around. 

Sometimes I still do.

The reason I’m even writing this, the reason I’m “airing my dirty laundry” on the World Wide Web, is because I wonder if maybe I’m not alone.

I wonder if maybe there’s someone else out there who feels the same way.

Someone else who needs to know he or she is not alone.

Someone else who could benefit from the things I’ve learned that have helped me.

And I wonder if there’s anyone out there who needs to know I’m not perfect either. Sometimes I feel like people expect me to be or think I am. That bugs me a lot, because it’s simply not true.

I’m not there yet. 

I still struggle. 

But God, in his grace, is helping me through, and he’d love to do the same for you (as would I).

At the risk of sounding a bit more “preachy” than normal, here are a few realizations I’ve had that have helped me in the past, continue to help me and may help you if you ever feel the same way:

1. You were created for a purpose. 

No matter what anyone else may say, you are not a mistake. 

I recently saw the movie “Hugo” and my favorite part was when Hugo, the main character, brought his friend Isabelle to his spot at the top of a clock tower overlooking the city. 

As they sat there taking it all in, he told her, “Right after my father died, I would come up here a lot. I'd imagine the whole world was one big machine. Machines never come with any extra parts, you know. They always come with the exact amount they need. So I figured if the entire world was one big machine, I couldn't be an extra part. I had to be here for some reason. And that means you have to be here for some reason too.”

I love that quote because at first it sounded like a “feel good” movie quote that would be great if it were true, but then after processing it for a few seconds, I realized it is true. God is the clockmaker of the universe and he made everything and everyone, including me. And He does not make any mistakes or extra parts.

2. That purpose is love. 

When asked what the greatest commandment is, Jesus replied, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind. And love your neighbor as yourself.” (See Matthew 22: 34-40)

I always thought I knew what Jesus meant by that, and I always thought I did a pretty good job at practicing it. Then one day a question hit me: How can you love your neighbor as yourself if you first don’t learn to love yourself?

Donald Miller, in his book “Blue Like Jazz,” writes of a similar revelation: 

“I am certain it was the voice of God because it was accompanied by such a strong epiphany like a movement in a symphony or something. The sentiment was simple: Love your neighbor as yourself.

“And I thought about that for a second and wondered why God would put that phrase so strongly in my mind...He was saying I would never talk to my neighbor the way I talked to myself, and that somehow I had come to believe it was wrong to kick other people around but it was okay to do it to myself. It was as if God had put me in a plane and flown me over myself so I could see how I was connected, all the neighborhoods that were falling apart because I would not let myself receive love from myself, from others, or from God. And I wouldn’t receive love because it felt so wrong. It didn’t feel humble, and I knew I was supposed to be humble. But that was all crap, and it didn’t make sense. If it is wrong for me to receive love, then it is also wrong for me to give it because by giving it I am causing someone else to receive it, which I had presupposed was the wrong thing to do.”

3. God loves you.

Perhaps the most profound of my “revelations,” if you will, is also the most simple: 

God loves me. 

God loves me so much He died a horrible death on the cross for of me, and forgave me. (See John 3:16-17) I think part of the reason I find it so easy to hate myself is that I find it so hard to forgive myself. 

If you’ve ever felt the same way, think about that for a bit.

God forgives you and God loves you, yet you can’t forgive and love yourself? Is your judgment higher than God’s? 

Jesus said as He died for you on the cross, “It is finished.”

Now trust Him and leave it there.

I know it’s not as easy as it sounds. Believe me, I know. But with God’s help, it is not impossible.

4. God has a plan for you.

This goes along with my first point that God created you for a purpose. A verse I have found helpful, as it talks a little more specifically about that purpose is:

“’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” (See Jeremiah 29—I recommend reading the whole passage and thinking about how the context can apply to your own life.)

5. It’s not about you.

The last of my points is possibly the hardest one for me to grasp. I think sometimes what may seem like simply a low self-esteem problem can actually be a pride issue. 

Not following? Reread the first five paragraphs of this post. What word does each one start with?

“I.”

Francis Chan, one of my favorite authors/speakers once preached a single sermon that was a whirlwind summary of the entire Bible. His point, in the end, was that although the Bible is filled with many short stories that have what we consider main characters, none of them are actually the main characters. The story isn’t about them, it’s about God. 

The Bible, both as a whole and as a collection of individual stories, is ultimately about God and His story.

My life and your life are no different. Our stories are not about us, they are a part of God’s bigger story. 

Living for yourself just leaves you worn out and unsatisfied. I’ve tried it, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s really not about me. 

And to me at least, that is a huge relief.

Book Review: "Hipster Christianity" by Brett McCracken

 In Hipster Christianity: When Church and Cool Collide, Brett McCracken, a twenty-something self-proclaimed Christian hipster, explores the age old concept of “cool” and the evolution of today’s “hipster” label and how they relate—or don’t relate—to Christianity.

The book itself is an irony because the concept of “hip” is not something frequently discussed, especially among hipsters (as McCracken frequently points out). But, he assures in the introduction, “It’s not a joke, and though it is humorous at times and occasionally ironic, it is by no means an exercise in sarcasm.”

 

Summary

The book is divided into three parts. The first is titled “The History and Collision of Cool and Christianity,” and deals largely with the meanings of the words “cool” and “hip”, providing background for the rest of the work.

The second part, “Hipster Christianity,” focuses on defining “Christian hipsters” and the “hipster churches” of today. It goes beyond the surface of the sub-culture, and touches on the ideals and values behind it.

In the final part, “Three Problems and Solutions,” McCracken finally arrives at the main discussion of the book. First he takes the stand that cool and Christianity do not meld, then he explains how they can, giving examples of how hipster Christianity does work.

Negatives

•  The first two parts are long and drawn out, and McCracken seems to be saying some of the same things over and over again. While all that background, the definitions, explanations and history are important and necessary for the discussion, they could have been condensed. He doesn’t get to the main point of the book until two thirds of the way through.

• In places, it’s wordy and poorly edited. He uses a lot of big uncommon words that aren’t a part of the average person’s vocabulary. A good portion of the content could have been written using a lot less words, and many of the fancier words could have been replaced with simpler ones that mean the same thing.  

•  Many portions of the text in part three seem unorganized and full of ramblings, while not pushing deep enough into the topic. It starts to read like a research paper for English class, going a little too heavy on the quotes and references to other works.

Positives

• The book is well researched and thought out. McCracken does not simply give his own opinion. He writes about visiting different hipster churches worldwide in preparation for the book, quotes a large number of expert and relevant sources on the topic and references a good amount of Scripture in appropriate contexts. 

•  It’s non-bias and well-balanced. It’s not an advertisement for Christian hipsterdom, nor is it a condemnation of the church. Rather, it is an honest search for the truth and a well-balanced evaluation of the topic and question at hand: whether or not Christianity can, or should, be cool. 

• He writes in the beginning that he is not out to bash or criticize the church, and he does well in keeping this promise. He points out not only what Christians are doing wrong, but also what they are doing right and how they can do better.

Good Quotes

“Cool and Christianity clash on a myriad of points. In fact, they share very few attributes in common. No wonder ‘cool Christianity’ frequently becomes so awkward and ugly! It’s like mixing oil and water.” (Chapter 11: “What’s So Wrong With Cool?”)

“I’m convinced that most secular seekers today care very little about how cool church is, but very much about how authentic it is. They are interested in the church being the church. They want the church to know what it is and be honest with itself and the world, and to quit putting on airs of glossy marketability and perfection. People see through that.” (Chapter 13: “Reversing the Ripple Effect”)

“Christianity’s appeal comes not from culture but from within—and the minute we start looking outside our own identity for affirmation about our relative relevance, we immediately begin to lose our cool.” (Chapter 14: “Relevance Is Not A Fad”)

Conclusion

The question is an important one in today’s culture, and one that Christians, cool and uncool alike, need to address.  Overall, this book does a good job at explaining Christian hipsterdom and the controversies surrounding this sub-culture. 

To learn more about Hipster Christianity: When Church and Cool Collide, or to take a 30 question “Are You A Christian Hipster” quiz to determine your “CHQ (Christian Hipster Quotient)”, visit hipsterchristianity.com. 

(In case anyone’s wondering, yes, I took the quiz, and yes, I failed. Miserably.)